Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
