Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
