So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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