My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
