i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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