I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
