I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
