He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
