I think I died a long time ago.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
