If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
