"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
