Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
