Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
