Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
