You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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