Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
