The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
