So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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