I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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