theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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