I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
