There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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