i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
