Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
