i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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