apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
