im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
