So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
