My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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