i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
