got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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