Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
