Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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