when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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