i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
