I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't deserve a penis
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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