Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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