someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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