Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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