I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
