You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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