Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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