Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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