her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
