Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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