from now on my penis is your penis
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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