Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
