Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
