Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
