The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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