He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
