My friends, they love my intelligence
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
