Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
