two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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