Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
