Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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