yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
