Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Houston, we have a blender
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
