i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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