You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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